The Power of Mindful Parenting

A Personal Reflection on Becoming a Mindful Parent By Ridvan Idara

When my firstborn was a few years old, one afternoon, I walked into my bedroom shortly after I had just cleaned it to find him in the process of tearing it down.

My initial impulse was to react and solve the problem, probably by stopping him, or maybe even making him pay for this mishap and disrespect, because we are told that as parents we have to immediately correct our children’s “ills,” lest they become horrible human beings.

However, something compelled me to ask him what he was doing, mainly out of pure curiosity. He looked at me, a bit perplexed that I couldn’t tell, then proceeded to explain that he was building a playground with a slide and so on. He had an entire story built around his project. It wasn’t really a stretch to reorganize my thought process to view the scene from his perspective. But more importantly, it led me to an awakening that would influence my parenting style.

Picture this toddler, climbing into a crib that had long been used as a storage bin, pulling off the railings and mattress, carrying them over to the bed (which was quite large compared to him), and then proceeding to bring to life what he had imagined. What are the skills being used? He had spent time creating what to a small child was a complex design, requiring critical thinking, problem-solving skills, and strength. Aren’t these the very skills we all say we want children to develop?

Had I intervened without asking, by punishing or reacting negatively, I would have stifled a little boy’s creativity and hard work, while sending the message that our home is not a place for creativity.

It was a moment of revelation. From his perspective, he was creating. From my perspective, it looked like he was being destructive or misbehaving. I would not have known his intention had I not asked. This incident made me realize that my children’s behavior often has nothing to do with me. I don’t believe children wake up in the morning and think, “Hmm, let me think of all the ways I can make life difficult for my parents today.” Often, parents make statements like “Why is he doing this to me?” or “This child is going to be the end of me.” What we perceive as misbehavior, we sometimes attribute to our children doing things to us, when perhaps they are just trying to figure out their world.

I started to pay attention and noticed that much of my children’s actions had very little to do with me and more to do with their own development and process. So I learned to be a more mindful parent; to seek to understand my children, to delay reacting to what may seem like misbehavior, to start with inquiry and empathy. Like all of us, children are curious beings trying to figure it all out. Our task is to accompany and guide them along their journey.

By allowing him the opportunity to explain himself, I was able to see the joy in his eyes while he explained his creation (which was priceless). We came to an agreement that he would complete his creative process and then help put the room back together. When all the fun, creativity, and mess were done, he did exactly as we had agreed with some help from me.

What could have been a really stressful afternoon, with a heartbroken little boy, had I insisted on having my way or “teaching him a lesson,” turned out to be a pleasant afternoon of creativity and fun, in which I was able to accompany him in his magical world of creation. In the end, I learned something, and it became a wonderful bonding experience. But it took detachment and flexibility on my part.

I have learned that parenting isn’t about exerting force and control over an individual. It isn’t about winning the battle over our children, but rather about lovingly guiding them to become the best version of themselves, and in doing so, we become better versions of ourselves. Give children a chance to explain themselves, and you may be pleasantly surprised at what they have to say.

My son is now a grown man, and our bond is as strong as ever. Join me on a journey to discover how to accompany our children with love and compassion as we guide them along their path.

Here are some tools that have helped me along my parenting journey.

• Connect before correcting. Before you correct a child, connect with him/her by asking curiosity questions. This works exceptionally well for teenagers as well. Try to emotionally detach from the behavior and seek answers.

• Be genuinely curious, without judgment, and hold off on the need to immediately fix things or punish.

• Children will listen after they feel listened to. Try to get to the bottom of the behavior so that you can help them problem solve and move towards a solution.

• Curiosity questions might sound like: What happened? How do you feel about it? How do you think others feel? What ideas do you have to solve this problem? Can you help me understand what you are thinking? What do you hate about it? What gives you the impression that she/he doesn’t like you? How is that for you? If a child says, “I don’t know what to do,” ask, “What is most confusing?” According to Linda Popov, author of The Virtues Guide (a Great parenting book), by asking “cup-emptying questions,” we let them empty their cup, and then we can accompany them towards a solution.

• Ask What and How questions and stay away from Why questions, as they tend to sound accusatory. You want your child to communicate with you, not put up a wall.

• Finally, be conscious of your tone of voice and body language. None of this will work if your tone or body language betrays you. Children can easily detect insincerity. Remember, be genuinely curious.

All too often, we react to behavior with punishment, consequence, lecture, and shaming before getting to the root of the problem. Science, however, teaches us that to prescribe the right medicine, we first have to diagnose, which begins with asking questions and gathering data.

So, how does one become a more mindful parent? One way I have found to be effective is to stop, take a deep breath, and ask questions. Then, together, figure out the appropriate solution for the given problem.

PEP Talks (Parent Empowerment Program)

Join Ridvan Idara at 203 Esther Street, Peekskill, NY, on the 2nd Wednesday of each Month to explore parenting topics. Next Event: October 8, 7 PM. CLICK HERE to RSVP

Through a series of monthly "pep talks," we will create a supportive community where parents can share experiences, gain new perspectives, and learn practical strategies to foster stronger, healthier relationships with their children and themselves.

Email ridara@necspace.org to learn more.

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